Today marks exactly 3 weeks till surgery. I’m trying to be better about updates on here since things are coming up fast. In addition to the groups I’m participating in, this blog was where I wanted to keep a documentation of my experience. Countless blogs during my research phase (lasting more than 10 years) have been endlessly helpful. It’s nice to be able to kick back and watch someone else’s process unfold. As I logged in here just now to make an update, I started wondering exactly when I wrote my first post. Turns out it was January 15th, 2015. Today marks the close of a full year! Then I started thinking about where I was at emotionally with everything at that time and feeling like this was absolutely going to be the longest 1 year wait of my life. And yeah, I mean, it was. It was actually more of a “hard” wait than it was “long”, if that makes any sense (excuse the pun). But at the same time, I feel grateful to have had the time. I do tend to be more of an optimist, but it’s for good reason. Truly, in all honesty the wait has been unbearable at times. Some days I’m in a downright foul mood because of how uncomfortable I am. And really, wait times for these surgeries are insane and absolutely unacceptable. But for the time being, while they still exist, I’ll continue to be grateful, especially looking back.
While I’ve been waiting, I’ve had time to:
- save money $$$
- do 11+ months of hair removal
- thoroughly plan a cross country trip to have this done
- really game out whether or not I needed to have a vaginectomy
- do extensive research on techniques, ask every question possible, and make pre-op, and post-op plans with endless suggestions that have set me up for success
- contemplate donor sites – and all the intensity that came with that uncertainty
- come together in ceremony with queer community on a wilderness retreat to show gratitude for and say goodbye to this current physical form while preparing to step into more wholeness, physical alignment, balance, and spiritual authenticity
It’s been a really full year. It was hard, trying, painful, and very much a time for grieving… but ultimately so rewarding. I saw the fruition of numerous large goals that I set in motion come to life before my eyes. I have been shown this year more than ever about both the power of gratitude and the art of manifesting one’s dreams into reality. I feel deeply blessed. It’s been a REALLY long and trying road to get here and I feel equally blessed and grateful for the pain I’ve endured and processed along the way. It was all necessary and sacred. It’s become both the wound and the medicine.
There have been quite a few bumps along the way this past year in working towards surgery. I intentionally tried to see each of them as preparing me for a massive surgery, physical transformation and the psychological shifting about to take place in my life. It’s honestly been like a training program for what’s certainly to come as well as the potential hurdles that could lie ahead. I know nothing can fully prepare you for this experience, but I tried to see every obstacle, from the very minor to the major crises, both as a test of my will and an exercise in persistence. But also as further experience in surrendering to the unknown and letting go of the things I have no control over.
Most everything is in place at this point, however, there have been a handful of moderately important things that keep going arye. Absolutely fixable things, but still things that have needed to be addressed immediately. As I get closer to surgery, I’m feeling like I’m more able to handle these issues with less of an anxiety response. And since anxiety has always been a constant in my life, it’s a really great experience to know it LESS. I’m at the point where this really does feel like it’s happening. I know it’s happening. I (mostly) no longer have that fear of: “something might get in the way and prevent this surgery”, or “what if something happens (illness, losing my job, not having enough $$$ saved) that doesn’t allow me to have surgery”. At this point, I truly do know it’s only a matter of days, 21 days in fact… Now all that’s really left to do…is show up.